“You cannot antagonize and influence at the same time.” — J.S. Knox
Who do you need to influence and under what circumstances? Perhaps it is a colleague, boss, or one of your employees. Maybe it is a client or customer. There are also many “personal” situations that call for the need to influence (with a spouse, child, or friend).
When faced with the need to influence others, I often see people trying to ‘push’ their position (I have also been guilty of this). We feel compelled to do the talking. “Here’s what I think.” “You’re not listening.” “You don’t understand.” Even if we don’t say these things, we often find ourselves thinking along these lines.
People are open to influence if they feel understood. If we believe this, it changes our approach. Rather than push our ideas forward, we start by trying to understand the other person’s core needs. If we take a listening approach (instead of starting off trying to convince someone that what we have to say is the “right way”) it increases our ability to be influential.
So, instead of “pushing,” start by listening and paraphrasing to increase mutual understanding. When doing so, we sometimes find that we aren’t as far apart as we thought (thereby decreasing the need to be as influential). Or, if we are open to what we are hearing, we rethink our position. And, of course, even if we don’t adjust our opinion, if the other party feels they have been heard and understood, they are in a better position to be open to our influence. Again, people are open to influence if they feel understood.
The next time you find yourself trying to influence someone else, stop…pause…remember to listen first. Take note of how this helps your ability to be influential.
Tags: Beyond the Jargon, Calibra, Diane Hamilton, influence, listening
